When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
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“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
What’s a Messi?
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*