[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
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Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
the greatest twitter interaction
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents