Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
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Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.