I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
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Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her