Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
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I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Mad Max: Furry Road
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
The glory of fall.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”