My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
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Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.