A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
You Might Also Like
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
When I can’t barge, I careen.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I did not eat the cake…
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.