My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
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ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
shit just got real
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
tis the season
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.