Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
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[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls