Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
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Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Is this a threat?
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs