Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
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[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
multitasking lunch
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway