BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
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The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.