Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
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Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U