Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
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People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
This is no longer winter this is harassment
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*