Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”