Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
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*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
dude it’s called proctologist
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
the three branches of government
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.