My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
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*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Breaking news:
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
an airline just for babies.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
#Caturday
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.