My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
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Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.