Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
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I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.