Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
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Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.