If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
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Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I need this for my side hustle.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Yes, this is exactly right
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore