Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
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“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria