Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
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Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Fight
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Meanwhile in Portland…
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.