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well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk