Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
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I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence