so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
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every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
satan: not today, microsoft teams
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right