My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
You Might Also Like
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!