me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
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Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
This is my brand.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”