Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
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JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Who wants to be my Valentine?
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Muppet Screams
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Thrilling chase underway
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.