If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
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When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
it’s finally my moment to shine
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Here’s a meme
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Why soy sad?
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute