Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
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The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here