me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
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PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
*weighs self after shaving
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
how long have you had this for?
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
what’s the point then??
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”