Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
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“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
british sex workers really pound for pound
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I may be small, but so is a grenade.