Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
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[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.