My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
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I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Why am I like this?
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.