You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
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“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.