Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
You Might Also Like
Breaking news:
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Just a bush.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly