I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
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Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes