ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
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Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Bruh PLEASE
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
That was easy.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway