You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
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Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him