I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
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Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Just so funny
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me