(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
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Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?