How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
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Diabetes was the God of sugar.
lmfao come on
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.