(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
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[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through