In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
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yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!