[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
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-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc