No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
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Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
tinder is all about the long game
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”