COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
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[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Woke up with morning Yule Log
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”