*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
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me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*