My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
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It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.